He reminds me so of Papa, sometimes.  It's a good thing, I think, though a lot of people don't seem to understand why he acts the way he does.  Do I?  Perhaps not, but I know that he has the good of the wild in his heart, no matter how brusque he can be with the ones that abuse it.   


It is frustrating to lose a hunter over something so petty, especially considering... Gods, I'm blushing.  I can't even write what it is they say that hunter's done with his own sister!  And she did introduce him to me as her brother... Some people in this city are truly depraved, are they not?


Then again, I remember that odd Count, Railos.  The things they said about the purpose behind the Fledgling's Nest turned out to have been mere rumor... not that it matters.  He lost his coin and the place shifted into much more capable hands quickly.  Rumors can be deadly.  Why more of these city folks do not understand it, I'll never know.  To hop from bed to bed... does she never hope to marry a respectable man?  Making her indiscretions so public...


I'm rambling.  It's a good thing this is just a diary.  It's so hard to focus my thoughts any more after all those long days in meetings over succession issues.  The more time I spend in the city though, the more I wonder why Flaern has dreams like this.  Ruling these people is paramount to insanity.  Perhaps he can teach them the way of things.


Either way, whichever of the five take the crown, I hope it all ends soon.  Flaern has my support and I will continue to do what I can to draw people to him, but in truth there's only one thing I long for.  I need to find workers.  (Who'd have thought it'd be so hard in a city full of starving people?)  I need to find something to keep me busy, to keep my mind off Dayne...


Like that's going to happen.  Just the sight of him makes me weak in the knees.


Gods above, I'm glad diaries can't talk!  Papa would not be pleased.  But I'm a grown woman now, and I've made my choice.


I just hope he doesn't want to talk about children any time in the near future.  

Yelsday, 25 End of Spring

Whiskey is a horrible, horrible drink.  Whoever created it it ought to be drowned in it!  Ugggh.  I can still taste that nasty burning on my tongue - what do Dayne and Kelindel see in the stuff?  He drank five.  Five!  One, just one, watered down with my tea was more than I could stomach.  It made my head spin, far far more than wine has ever done and I've a feeling I'll regret it in the morning.


It was a silly gamble, wasn't it?  Oh, I had reason enough to take the action, were anyone to see it, but in truth... I just wanted to.  I'm too tied up in politics and reason to do enough of the things I want to.  I couldn't even stay with Dayne yesterday like I'd wanted.  That was disappointing...  It all added up and I gave in.  So what?  Everyone does, from time to time.  What's a little whiskey, in the scheme of things?


But no.  Dayne had to make a scene, didn't he?   He had to announce it to everyone!  A little folly can become a huge scandal... Oh, I'm totally overreacting about all of this.  It was just whiskey and I was hardly drunk.  Just a little tipsy.    Oh Dayne... even then, he was trying to protect me.


The way he makes me feel is so strange.  Delightfully so, but still, it's something I've never, ever experienced before.  My body tingles when he touches me and I'm starting to wish he never had to stop.  I could spend days with Dayne and never miss the company of other people.  Oh how I wish I could just throw all this away, forget Esli's death, forget these idiot nobles and their stupid, petty power plays, and run off into the woods with him for a week or two.


I wonder if papa knows just how drawn to him I am?  He's never said a word to me on the matter...

Morday, 23 End of Spring

He's done it.  Dayne's actually done it and I couldn't be happier.  To know that papa's given his blessing to this, to us... I'm quite certain I made quite the spectacle of myself when Dayne told me, but what do I care?  Should I care if people see me hugging the man I hope to marry, some day?


Probably, but I don't!  I really and truly don't.  Let them talk.  I've made my choice and papa agrees with it.


It was weird though, sitting on the beach and talking of politics.  As if I don't get enough of that in those stuffy meetings.  Yes, what we're doing is important, but does anyone even care that I loved my cousin? Eslianne had her issues... as do I, but she was family and I loved her.  Now I've lost her, and all they want to do is fight over who's the best one to fill the shoes of her house.  As if that weren't bad enough, they expect me to join in.


For papa's sake I will, but not on the beach, not in the arms of the man I love, not while the wind's in my hair and  the salt air fills me with a need to run.  I'm becoming positively wild, locked up behind stone walls so often. I wonder why?  I used to love these winters in the city.


But at least the topic was one of importance.  Flaern.  I'll never know, I suppose, what it was he meant to say to me that night, but that's okay.  I think we're happier this way, better off.   I think of him too much as a brother to consider anything else.  And he does have my backing; my support, Dayne's and papa's, all the way.  


Now I just have to figure out how best to help him.

Sycaday, 18 End of Spring

Shameless.


That's how I feel right now - absolutely shameless.  I should be embarrassed at the very least, but all I can do is think about how perfect his arms felt around me, how... how absolutely right it felt to rest my head on his chest... how sweet those dreams were.  I love him so.  There.  I said it.  I don't know if he intends to speak to papa or not, though.  He... he is so unusually silent on that topic.  (Of course, I don't bring it up either, do I?  I couldn't bear to hear he's changed his mind...) But last night... If I'd not been so tired, I wouldn't have done it, but now that I've done it, I regret nothing.  Nothing.  Not any more.  Not since he... died.  I'm going to spend each moment with him without worrying.  It's not worth it.  Who knows how long we'll even have?


And to think it all started with honey!


I wonder where Flaern's been?  The darling man is just never around enough, though I can hardly blame him for that with the pack and his political goals.  I really should do more to help him.  I wonder, just how  much can I do without risking papa's good name?


And the Lord Captain - Kelindel, since he insists so avidly.  It's good to have a friend, but I have to say I was... ahhh I don't have to say it.  We had an interesting talk last night of history and weapons and I do hope he was serious about making that dagger for me.  Of course I'll pay for it.  I can't encourage gifts like that, at this point.  They send wrong messages all over the place.


Maybe I'll ask him to make me a matched set...  They'd look lovely with my new green and gold dress.

Morday, 7 End of Spring

There's not been a moment since my arrival in the city when I wished I was here less - unless, maybe it was while I was recovering from the plague.  It isn't that I hate it here.  I don't.  In fact, the city is starting to grow on me, for once.  But all the same, this is ridiculous.  I won't be fought over like some kind of trophy.  I'll -never- be some kind of trophy.  If that's all they want...

Oh, now I'm being ridiculous and melodramatic, aren't I?  I wish I had a female friend here in the city though; someone I could actually speak to and trust.  It's funny, but of the two people I can trust, one is never around and the other is the root of the whole issue.

Dayne, why won't you tell me what is going on?  You love me but you only want to be my friend; yet, you start acting ridiculous when I accept invitations from others?  

Really... I don't understand why he's acting this way. perhaps the city has gotten to him too much.

Perhaps the city has gotten to me too much.

I want to go home.  That brief scare was enough to tell me that much.  


I miss Papa.

Blooday, 27 Beginning of Spring, 1087

Spring is halfway over, already and I feel as if I've hardly even noticed it.  First the horrors of the ball, then the plague that kept me indoors, then the fires and then, of all times, I got ill myself.  I've hardly had the chance to enjoy the sun on my skin and when I do... it hasn't gone well.  Ever.


It should have been a joyful morning...  Dayne came back to us.  Why am I sitting here crying then, just as hard as I did the day I learned he was gone?  They're so stupid!  Can't they see it?  They both have the same goals, the same ideals.  I don't know why all of a sudden, two friends are at each others throats.  The two of them are what this city needs.  They could shape it... fix it.  But no.  They'd rather snap and snarl and growl at each other.


Oh, I should have slapped them both.  At least Flaern had the decency to apologize to me later, but they need to get this alpha-male rot out of their brains.  Papa is right. The city destroys wolves and men alike.


So why does he insist on sending me here?


Then there's that arrogant ass pain in the neck of a Viscount.  How dare he insult me the way he did?  I am seriously considering filing a complaint for that disrespect.   Perhaps I ought to arrange a meeting with the ... what does he call himself now?  Commander General?  Papa did want me to extend our friendship to him and his cause, after all.

Elday, 20th Beginning of Spring, 1087

I had dinner with Kelindel the other night.  He's a nice man, seems to be quite a good man, but like most men, he doesn't seem to be able to see the person beneath my title.  It's frustrating.  Does he really wine and dine every woman he's interested in, talking of gardens and the like?  Perhaps the ladies of the city are just that dull, but I grew up in the wild, in the Wolfwood's forests.  A little garden... Well, I guess the truth of it is that I had much more interest in getting to know the man than hearing of his possessions, but he -like most of the others- seems to prefer keeping me at arms length.


Will I ever find true friends among the city folk? Most I've talk to feel so fake.  Am I really so different?


I thought that, perhaps, I'd found a real friend in Flaern.  But he is so formal, so withdrawn still, despite the conversation I think we had while I was ill.  Did we?  Did I dream it?  It doesn't matter, really.  I rarely see him, despite his kindness and generosity, and now it seems that I've got to find a way to speak with him about what I've learned.  I need to know the truth.  I wonder if he'll trust me with it?


Dayne...


What, dear Gods, am I going to do about him?  My heart still races when I remember the touch of his lips, the feel of his arms around me.  It was so wrong!  Papa will skin him alive and refuse to let me set foot in the city again if he knows the liberties we took... but I didn't stop him.  I could not.  And then we spoke of friendship... Kelindel asked, but what I was I to say?  We are friends.  I can hardly lay claim to a man's heart after one stolen kiss, when no promises were made, and I could hardly risk my reputation by admitting to our little indiscretion to a near stranger.


Still, Dayne acted so oddly to find us dining together.  If it weren't for his smile, I'd have said he was upset.  He was tense as could be when I hugged him, but still he smiled, and he wouldn't stay.  I thought, I hoped, that maybe he was jealous and that made me smile... but it's been days now since I've seen him.  Was he jealous?  Is he angry with me?  Perhaps he's simply tending to his duties.


All in all, I think I'm reading far too much into all of this, but... I miss him.


There.  I said it.